The Art of the Australian Insult

Chk Chk Boom, and you’re famous
May 24, 2009, 8:46 am
Filed under: Celebrities, Crime | Tags: ,

“There were these two wogs fighting. The fatter wog said to the skinnier wog: `Oi bro, you slept with my cousin’. And the other one said: ‘Nah man, I didn’t for shit, eh’ and the other one goes: ‘I will call on my fully sick boys, eh’. And then pulled out a gun and went chk-chk boom!”

Clare Werbeloff utters the immortal words that launched her to fame. For the moment. “Chk chk boom” can be spotted on T-shirts, coffee mugs and beer mugs as well as a YouTube dance video.

As it turns out, Werbeloff didn’t even witness the event in question, proving that it is possible to achieve celebrity without any substance whatsoever.

A boot up the ring-pull
April 2, 2009, 11:15 pm
Filed under: Business, Celebrities | Tags: ,

“It’s possible Kerry Armstrong’s CV won’t be highlighting her brief stint as a shill for Coca-Cola, now that the soft drink giant has been given a boot up the ring-pull for an ad featuring the actress.

With the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission grumpily ordering Coke to retract the ad, which had Armo (“as a mum”) explaining that Coke didn’t make you fat, rot your teeth or contain enough caffeine to make an elephant vibrate, Strewth hopes Kez is gently encouraged to apologise for the line: “My boys now call me Mum the myth-buster”, and for leaving the biggest question unaddressed: whether Coke is any good for cleaning the silverware.”

Strewth reflects on a disastrous campaign by Coca-Cola to persuade mothers that Coke really isn’t so bad for you.

Disreputable lowlifes
March 31, 2009, 10:59 pm
Filed under: Celebrities, Sport

“Falzon, Einfeld, D’Arcy et al. The ABC, especially Australian Story, used to profile inspirational Australians. When did it become an apologist for disreputable lowlifes? Sycophantic supporters, sympathetic treatment. Monday night’s pathetic, scripted performance by a convicted thug rivalled Diana’s Academy Award performance with the tame poodle interviewer on the Panorama show. Have the best actor nominations closed for this year’s Logies? Does the ABC solicit these programs or are they actively promoted by the participants’ publicists? This should get D’Arcy to the World Championships. But then again, no one should stand in the way of an Oz sporting triumph. Oi! Oi! Oi!”

Bill Harris of Miranda is not impressed with the ABC’s Monday night interview with disgraced swimmer Nick D’Arcy.

“Go back to singing!”
March 16, 2009, 10:25 pm
Filed under: Celebrities, Politicians | Tags: ,

“Go back to singing! You’re like a dead fish in here!”

Liberal MP Alby Schultz, to Minister of the Environment and former Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garratt.

Sold out!
February 26, 2009, 5:29 am
Filed under: Celebrities, Politicians | Tags:

Two responses in The Australian to reports that Environment Minister and ex-Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett plans to perform in aid of the bushfires victims:

“I’ve just heard the news that Peter Garrett is to perform at a concert in support of the bushfires and floods (“‘Rusty’ Garrett, Coldplay lead benefit gigs”, 25/2). Haven’t these poor people suffered enough?”
Matt Pralija
Neutral Bay, NSW

“After Peter Garrett’s spineless acts of late as federal Environment Minister, maybe the flyers for his forthcoming performance should read: Peter Garrett—in concert with the ALP—SOLD OUT!”
Christopher Purcell
Middleton, Tas

Hugh and cry
February 24, 2009, 2:27 am
Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: ,

“…performed like a cheesy cruise-ship entertainer to the endless hours of awards to dull men we’ve never heard of for categories we don’t care about.”


One assessment of Hugh Jackman’s performance as MC of the Oscars. Other critics were less than kind about Hugh’s “chorus boy spaz-out”. However, the New York Times said that Jackman was a good choice and likened him to a “value meal”.

“This one-eyed Scottish idiot”
February 6, 2009, 11:48 pm
Filed under: Celebrities, Politicians, The economy | Tags: , ,

“I’ve never seen such a nervous man. It’s the first time we’ve seen a world leader admit we really are in deep shit. He genuinely looked terrified. In England we have this one-eyed Scottish idiot … who keeps telling us everything is fine and he’s saved the world, and we know he’s lying.”

Jeremy Clarkson compares Kevin Rudd to Gordon Brown at a press conference in Sydney. Clarkson later apologised after his remarks caused a fracas in the UK.

A face like a fridge door
January 31, 2009, 3:02 am
Filed under: Celebrities

“There were lots of close-ups of Miss Kidman and I’m sitting there going: ‘I know you’re a year older than me and your face looks like a whitegood that I could just wipe down.'”

Judith Lucy on Nicole Kidman’s face, as seen in Australia.

Exquisitely accomplished at being awful
November 21, 2008, 5:19 am
Filed under: Celebrities | Tags: ,

“Kidman is exquisitely accomplished at being awful. She can’t act. Instead she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I’m-looking-interesting blue eyes. Australia the country deserves redder blood than this.”

British film critic Melanie Reid on Nicole Kidman’s performance in Australia.

Extracting stiletto heel from mouth
November 17, 2008, 1:19 am
Filed under: Celebrities, Ethnic Insults | Tags: ,

“Let’s just say there’s a sweatshop full of illegal immigrants working on them right now.”

Sonia Kruger, commenting on her Melbourne Cup Carnival wardrobe to Chong Kim, the Malaysian-born musical director of Dancing with the Stars. Seven network apologised for Kruger’s comments after several complaints were received.