The Art of the Australian Insult


Chk Chk Boom, and you’re famous
May 24, 2009, 8:46 am
Filed under: Celebrities, Crime | Tags: ,

“There were these two wogs fighting. The fatter wog said to the skinnier wog: `Oi bro, you slept with my cousin’. And the other one said: ‘Nah man, I didn’t for shit, eh’ and the other one goes: ‘I will call on my fully sick boys, eh’. And then pulled out a gun and went chk-chk boom!”

Clare Werbeloff utters the immortal words that launched her to fame. For the moment. “Chk chk boom” can be spotted on T-shirts, coffee mugs and beer mugs as well as a YouTube dance video.

As it turns out, Werbeloff didn’t even witness the event in question, proving that it is possible to achieve celebrity without any substance whatsoever.



Beware of the uprising
April 3, 2009, 11:48 pm
Filed under: Crime

I understand the police, during a raid on bikies, found a number of Viagra tablets. What is the problem? Do the police fear a bikie gang uprising?”

Dave Burton, Petrie, Qld,m letter to The Australian.



Yeah, that’ll teach them
April 3, 2009, 3:05 am
Filed under: Crime

If I manufacture and sell drugs with my mates, compare firearms with my mates, get drunk and punch on with my mates, stand over debtors with my mates, threaten, extort and bribe people with my mates, flout existing laws with my mates, wear tough pictures on my leathers with my mates and happen to also ride motorbikes with my mates, I have no doubt that I will stop associating and congregating with those mates if the government tells me it is now illegal.

Banning outlaw bikie gangs smells of success already.”

Innis Cull of Warrandyte, Victoria, does have a point.



Fairy-floss
March 23, 2009, 11:03 pm
Filed under: Crime, Road Rage | Tags:

“I don’t think I am the slightest bit dishonest, which means I can lie and not be a liar (“I lied, but I’m basically honest, says Einfeld”, March 23)? Of course that is how five year-olds view their transgressions, but for a 70 year-old to trot out such fairy-floss is a disgrace worse than the lying. Of course we can forgive the man, but we cannot forgive his childish protest of fundamental honesty. His pants are still on fire.”

Keith Russell Mayfield West on Marcus Einfeld.



Double Standards
March 21, 2009, 4:03 am
Filed under: Crime, Miscellaneous bad behaviour, Sport | Tags:

“If Marcus Einfeld was a recidivist, face-smashing, drink-driving football star, he would be doing some nominal “community service”. He would be ostentatiously rehabbing and promising to “deal with his issues”. After a brief interval “focusing on the positives”, he would be mentoring and role-modelling his way into some tacky Hall of Fame, before starting a career as a commentator. Justice James’s decision strikes at the heart of justice: equality before the law.”

Frank Campbell Elmhurst (Vic), commenting on Marcus Einfeld’s prison sentence for perjury to get out of a traffic fine.



Like father, like daughter
February 12, 2009, 1:25 am
Filed under: Crime

“How can you sit there and listen to all that evidence and find her guilty. Don’t worry, I’ll be appealing against these dogs. It’s all lies. A (expletive) litany of lies. She did nothing wrong. She got bashed by police.”

The father of a young woman arrested for spitting at police and wiping blood on them yells at the magistrate presiding over the case. In sentencing the woman to six months in prison, the magistrate said, “The police officer’s were doing a routine and important job … but they were met with a tirade of abuse and the most inappropriate behaviour that can only be described as revolting and vile.  I cannot in my wildest imagination understand why the actions they were performing provoked such a response.”



Save Bondi
February 9, 2009, 1:13 am
Filed under: Crime, International relations | Tags: ,

“Save Bondi – Free Ivan Milat”.

Slogan on a surfboard spotted in Bondi, as quoted by D.D. McNicoll. Milat – who appears to be attempting to smuggle himself out of jail piece by piece, after he cut off a finger and posted it – is serving a life sentence for the murder of seven backpackers in the 1990s.



The rich have the lawyers
February 6, 2009, 5:09 am
Filed under: Crime | Tags: ,

Two responses to the three month prison sentence for a teenager who tagged the Hyde Park cafe: 

“Which is the more heinous: a first graffiti offence or repeated glib, ill-considered comments by politicians about anything to do with law and order? I propose a new offence of verbal graffiti with a mandatory penalty of six months’ imprisonment. It’s absolutely appropriate.

Greg Murray Woollahra

Wayne Carey, a professional athlete, loses a couple of days’ pay in legal fees and fines for a violent attack on police officers (“Ex-AFL star Carey convicted of assault”, smh.com.au, February 4). Cheyene Back, an 18-year-old girl, is to lose her freedom for three months for violently attacking a brick wall with a pen. She faces the emotional, physical and psychological damage of incarceration in one of NSW’s overcrowded prisons. The poor may have the law, but once again it is the rich who have the lawyers.

Tristan Head Box Hill



“Have fun in jail
November 18, 2008, 4:08 am
Filed under: Crime | Tags:

“Have fun in jail.”

Jess Loiterton to her rapist, taxi driver Md Kowser Ali, who was jailed for ten years for the crime.



Arse whippin’ time
August 19, 2008, 7:43 am
Filed under: Crime | Tags: , ,

“I understand that we don’t need to encourage vigilantism. I wouldn’t want to walk the streets of a city where angry South African blokes felt free to start laying into all and sundry with dirty great rhino whips. Or even imitations.

But thirty on one? In your own home?

I think by that point it’s probably arse whippin’ time.”

John Birmingham hails sjambok-wielding South African immigrant Dion Driman as a hero.