The Art of the Australian Insult

Paddo, land of pretentious tossers
April 30, 2009, 3:27 pm
Filed under: Lifestyles, Place, Social class | Tags:

“Twenty-five years ago, maybe, when nouveaux riches and poor lived side by side and the shops were an interesting mix of secondhand book and furniture stores, greengrocers and oddments such as the chocolate factory. Now it is full of pretentious tossers shopping at overpriced clothes boutiques. And even they are packing up as the global financial crisis bites.”

Jim Gentles of Coogee disputes the assertion by another SMH reader that Paddington is Sydney’s most desirable suburb.

The bogans of Brisbane
March 23, 2009, 1:12 am
Filed under: Lifestyles, Place | Tags: , ,

“In Sydney CBD, people can be quite charming,” says ‘etiquette consultant’ Anna Musson. “In the CBD here (Brisbane), people are not at their best. It can be a big turn-off for clients. People don’t know some of the basic etiquette.”

Also quoted in this fine example of a non-story is Elvis Soiza, chief concierge at the Sofitel Brisbane Hotel and president of the concierge society Les Clefs D’Or Australia.

“Some of the young people don’t even say please any more, it’s ‘Get me that’, or ‘Do this’,” he says. “Everyone is in a hurry and the pleases and thank-yous get forgotten. Opening doors for people, shaking hands, knowing how to talk to people, giving up your seat on a bus or a train, it’s being forgotten.”

“A pissant town”
February 16, 2009, 8:18 am
Filed under: Place, Sport | Tags: ,

“That’s the problem. That 4-0 result tonight was politics, nothing else. Whether you are involved directly or indirectly you have an effect. Because of a pissant town, this club will never win anything until you get rid of that crap.”

Adelaide United Football Club Aurelio Vidmar, on Adelaide. He has since admitted this wasn’t the cleverest thing to say.

Sydneysiders, the Americans of NSW
November 10, 2008, 10:26 pm
Filed under: Place, Transport | Tags:

“Jeez, I’m sick of hearing about how hard done by Sydney is.
“The Government won’t spend billions of dollars on a bypass that will cut five minutes off our travel time… The Government expects us to pay for transport system upgrades through increased fares..we pay so much petrol…we are so broke because we just paid an obscene amount to a greedy vendor for a house not worth half what we paid.”
Fair dinkum, Sydneysiders are the Americans of NSW. The state ends at the Hunter River to the north, the Blue Mountains to the west and Lake Illawarra to the south. Nothing exists outside Sydney’s borders and what does exist you don’t care about.
Come have a look at our decrepit roads, our non-existent transport system, our petrol prices (no 99c deals happening here) and our way of life.
You might realize how lucky you are.”

Brian McMullen, Dubbo, letter to the Daily Telegraph.

The toilet bowl of Sydney
October 8, 2008, 2:57 am
Filed under: Place

King’s Cross is the “toilet bowl of Sydney”, according to Sun-Herald reader Andrew Woodhouse of Potts Point. He points out that while the Cross was host to five pubs in the 1960s, this increased to 57 in the 1990s and 66 today.

Big city, small-minded outlook
October 8, 2008, 1:47 am
Filed under: Place, Sport | Tags: , ,

“While visiting my parents in Sydney, I noticed just how small-town the city had become. The anti-Melbourne sentiment displayed by the public and in the media leading up to the NRL grand final was ungracious, biased, unreasonable and offensive.
Clearly, Sydney cannot be regarded as an international city with such a small-minded outlook.

Apart from too much sunshine, I would much rather live in big-hearted Melbourne where even a win by the Sydney Swans is embraced and cheered.”

Cait Ellis Parkville (Vic), letter to the SMH.

“Eat your heart out, Melbourne”
August 21, 2008, 9:00 am
Filed under: Place, Politicians, Sport | Tags:

“Eat your heart out Melbourne. Nowhere to be found. (Melbourne will) be left to compete with Adelaide and Brisbane and the rest of the cities. We compete with the world because we are Australia’s only global city.”

NSW Premier Morris Iemma gloats over Sydney’s inclusion on a world Monopoly board. Tim Blair wonders at Iemma’s glee: it’s not as if he had anything to do with the inclusion after all:

“He’s the accidental Premier, is our Morris. We’re talking about his Government’s single greatest accomplishment here, and the Government had nothing to do with it. Morris Iemma is the Steven Bradbury of Australian premiering.”

Blair goes on to suggest a few chest cards for the new game:

  • “YOU are seated next to Belinda Neal at a coastal restaurant. Do you know who she is? YOU DON’T? Lose a turn and two teeth;
  • “YOU have been appointed to the board of the Macquarie Bank. Sit back, put your feet up and talk about books for the rest of your life, Mr Carr;
  • “YOU have been elected as the member for Cabramatta. Go directly to Coogee;
  • “YOUR road has been blocked, forcing you into a toll lane. Give $50 every day to a public/private investment consortium.;
  • THE Health Minister still hasn’t called. Miss a turn while you sleep in the car; and
  • YOU break your Bulldogs contract. Go directly to France.”

  • Why does the West produce such spectacular shonks?
    July 28, 2008, 3:04 am
    Filed under: Business, Place, Politicians | Tags: , , ,

    “What is it about the West that produces such spectacular shonks, political and corporate? It is the only state which has seen two successive premiers go to jail, the Liberals’ Ray “Rocky” O’Connor and that odious Labor slug, Brian Burke. Perhaps it is something in the water.”


    Mike Carlton, who notes that the latest dodgy figure on the national landscape, Tim Johnston of fuel pill company Firepower, is also from Western Australia.

    Will the bananas be straight?
    July 28, 2008, 3:00 am
    Filed under: Place, Sex

    Two letters to the SMH in response to a previous letter wondering about genetically modified bananas and whether they would be straight.

    “Eric Scott, it matters not whether the genetically modified bananas will be straight. Or even gay. I just hope they’ll be happy bananas,” Louise Firbank writes all the way from New York.

    “Eric Scott, as my grandfather from Bendemeer could have told you, bananas are grown straight in Queensland and then sent to his home town for correction.” Debby O’Brien of Armidale.

    The Foot Wars
    July 18, 2008, 3:58 am
    Filed under: Place, Sport | Tags: , , ,

    “Rugby League is the only game on earth that is less fun than work.”

    Tim Blair, who maintains that Rugby League is a “cruel joke playe don the working classes”. In contrast. AFL teams are thriving, even in Adelaide, “where the local economy is based on kidnapping”.

    Rugby League fan Luke McIlveen hits back, declaring that Tim Blair “writes shit nobody understands”. “I’ve never sat through an AFL game from start to finish, but I;m told it goes longer than World Youth Day – only with less chance of becoming involved in a physical confrontation.” He also mocks Blair for coming from Melbourne:

    “Surprised, in fact, you made it out of one of those quaint lanway wine bars long enough to polish your specs and turn your mind to something other than carbon credits.”