The Art of the Australian Insult


You’ve had your chups
April 2, 2009, 11:20 pm
Filed under: Transport

“PASSENGERS on a Sydney-bound Air New Zealand flight yesterday may have been thinking it was still April Fools’ Day when some of their flight attendants turned up wearing wigs and feather boas. It’s all part of a protest over pay by the hosties’ union and it went swimmingly until the hosties refused orders to lose the fancy dress and got turfed off the plane, resulting in the grounding of the flight.”

Strewth again.



“I’m human, I’m not perfect”
April 2, 2009, 10:16 pm
Filed under: Politicians, Transport | Tags: , ,

“All of us are human, I’m human, I’m not perfect. If I upset anybody on that particular flight, I’m sorry, I apologise for it. We all make mistakes, your Prime Minister included.”

Kevin Rudd apologises for making a flight attendant cry on an RAAF flight in January. He tackled her over the lack of a meat-free meal.



A masterpiece of fiction
March 23, 2009, 1:01 am
Filed under: Culture, Transport | Tags: ,

A wry comment on the state of public transport in Sydney, one that’s worth quoting in full:

“I see that the shortlist for the Premier’s Literary awards will be announced tomorrow (Spectrum, March 21-22). I trust that among these will be the Sydney Bus Timetable. Recognition is long overdue. It is written by a person with boundless imagination; it excites in its readers the whole range of emotions, from relief, anticipation, excitement, puzzlement, anger and frustration to anti-climax. So obviously is it a masterpiece of fiction that no disclaimer is necessary.”

Michael Creswell Waterloo, letter to the Sydney Morning Herald.



Treat them like cattle
February 25, 2009, 1:47 am
Filed under: Business, Politicians, Transport | Tags: ,

“Anyone who has used Sydney Airport can testify to Mr Moore-Wilton’s approach to the delivery of services and infrastructure – treat the customers like cattle and charge them exorbitantly for the privilege.

He has created one of the worst managed, most uncomfortable and most expensive airports in the world. Now the Liberals want him to show them how to do the same with all our big infrastructure and capital works.”

John Pomeroy of Stanmore comments on revelations that NSW Opposition leader Barry O’Farrell is to take advice from Max Moore-Wilton.



“You better not poo”
November 18, 2008, 3:48 am
Filed under: Toilet humour, Transport | Tags:

“They gave me two extras but by yesterday morning I was down to the last one and I had to say to her, “You better not poo.”

Francis Chippeck, who travelled with her two year old daughter on a Qantas flight from Singapore. Passengers spent more than 24 hours on the plane after it was delayed by storms, and a refuelling stop.



An FFF for public transport
November 13, 2008, 3:00 am
Filed under: Politicians, Transport | Tags:

“Mr Rees, there is no point having an AAA credit rating if we have an FFF public planning policy that leaves so many people, living where the Government encouraged them to settle, bereft of affordable, modern public transport.”



Sydneysiders, the Americans of NSW
November 10, 2008, 10:26 pm
Filed under: Place, Transport | Tags:

“Jeez, I’m sick of hearing about how hard done by Sydney is.
“The Government won’t spend billions of dollars on a bypass that will cut five minutes off our travel time… The Government expects us to pay for transport system upgrades through increased fares..we pay so much petrol…we are so broke because we just paid an obscene amount to a greedy vendor for a house not worth half what we paid.”
Fair dinkum, Sydneysiders are the Americans of NSW. The state ends at the Hunter River to the north, the Blue Mountains to the west and Lake Illawarra to the south. Nothing exists outside Sydney’s borders and what does exist you don’t care about.
Come have a look at our decrepit roads, our non-existent transport system, our petrol prices (no 99c deals happening here) and our way of life.
You might realize how lucky you are.”

Brian McMullen, Dubbo, letter to the Daily Telegraph.



How to kill Labor’s chances dead flat
October 27, 2008, 2:15 am
Filed under: Politicians, Transport

“How to kill Labor’s chances dead flat – put another idiot in charge.”

Mick Flack, Penrith, comments on news of the planned Metro to Rozelle in the Daily Telegraph.



Priority number 998
October 26, 2008, 9:59 pm
Filed under: Politicians, Transport | Tags: ,

“If you were to list in orde the top 1000 projects requiring urgent government attention, the new Rozelle metro might be 998. Above it would be a statue of Reba Meagher in the government vehicles carpark. Below it would be a starling hatchery in Cessnock. Actually, both those projects would make more sense and cost far less money than Premier Nathan Rees’ move to offer yet another transport option to the Labor-inclined residents of the inner west. Soon he’ll be giving them free cars, like Toongabbie’s version of Oprah Winfrey.”

The Daily Telegraph editorialises on Premier Nathan Rees’s surprise announcement of a new Metro service to Rozelle.  In a report by Joe Hildebrand and Tim Vollmer, the move was described as “more reminiscent of an inner-west latte drinker than a garbo from Toongabbie.” One source said to be close to the Government was quoted as saying, “It’s ridiculous, it’s a load of crap. If you were in the west you’d have the shits.”



Make traffic not war
October 26, 2008, 9:47 pm
Filed under: Politicians, Transport | Tags: ,

No doubt Nathan Rees is regretting his comparison of being in traffic to being in love. The Sydney Morning Herald was not going to let the Premier off the hook, noting on Saturday:

“It’s silly and sentimental of us, we know, but there is something about the smell of petrol fumes and the sight of heat haze rising from a thousand idling engines that makes us go all gooey inside.”

The SMH’s readers also had their say. “Make traffic, not war,” quipped Jason Cusack of Woonona. “I was dreaming I was in love – then I came to and found that I was on the M5,” wrote Ian Johnston of Bowral. “Who needs Tony Robbins when we have Nathan Rees?” declared Ellecer Valencia of Lidcombe. “If you think you are in traffic, you are in traffic.” Sounds like a line from Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars.”

Michael Deeth of Como West sounded a little rueful: “I think I preferred spin,” he wrote. Todd Hillsley of Enfield was given the last word: “If you think you have an awful government,” he suggested, “you must have an awful government.”