The Art of the Australian Insult


No meaningful sledging
August 20, 2008, 7:50 am
Filed under: Sport | Tags: , ,

“But the chief culprits have been the swimmers, who failed us all. Why should we care so much about swimming, anyway? How can we be so interested in a sport that offers so little opportunity for meaningful sledging?”

Aaron Timms, who isn’t too impressed with the dressage:

“If there’s one Olympic sport that captures the spirit of open-minded, dynamic, egalitarian Australia, it’s dressage – a competition in which pampered, tights-wearing nobodies get to dress up in tails and sit down for a few minutes tp boss around their horses.”



The world as we know it has come to an end
July 31, 2008, 3:17 am
Filed under: Sport | Tags: ,

As Aaron Timms rightly points out, the exodus of Sonny Bill Williams from NRL will have unimaginable ramifications:

“From there, it will only be a matter of time before we see mass protests over food, soaring unemployment, stagflation, war with North Korea, conflict over the Potomac, accelerated melting of the polar ice caps and the implosion of the United Nations.

With a couple of minor exceptions, these are the same conditions in which Nazism was born. Sonny Bill Williams: the Franz von Papen of 2008? The suggestion is not without merit.”



Where will the bogans go?
July 16, 2008, 6:30 am
Filed under: Celebrities, Culture, The Media | Tags: ,

“The beauty of Big Brother is that unlike other reality TV shows it did not ask these bogans to do anything to justify their fame other than exist in a state of pure, unadulterated boganitude. Not for these lipgloss addicts the false consolation of a gut to lose. Not for them the tribulations of ballroom dancing and Daryl Somers’s jokes. No, all they had to do was slip into the spa, down a couple of Jager bombs, get busy rubbing their genitals into each other’s faces, and bang: national fame was guaranteed.”

Aaron Timms reflects on the role of the bogan in Big Brother, and wonders what ambitious bogans will do now that the obvious route to fame has been axed :

“From what restricted gene pool will commercial TV draw its late-night game-show hosts? …The people of Australia deserve better than to have a gaggle of untrained arriviste bogans set loose on this country’s breakfast radio scene. Commercial radio may appear easy at times, but there is a subtle art to being a know-nothing early morning fathead. Big Brother provided the perfect training ground. Now, sadly, that training ground is gone, and formal state intervention – a kind of dirigisme de bogan – must surely be in prospect to tackle the crisis in supply.”



A really tense Contiki tour to Machu Picchu
June 19, 2008, 8:03 am
Filed under: Critics' Corner | Tags: ,

What Indiana Jones teaches us about the Cold War. In retrospect, the Cold War was less like a deadly strategic contest between expansionary, nuclear-enabled hegemons and more like a really tense Contiki tour to Machu Picchu.”

Aaron Timms assesses Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.



Why hasn’t Kevin Rudd saved all the world’s problems yet?
June 18, 2008, 9:17 am
Filed under: Politicians | Tags: ,

“True, there have been some encouraging recent signs. For instance, Rudd last week threw centuries of received wisdom about oil and flammability to the wind by pledging to “take a blowtorch” to OPEC over rising fuel prices – a good start, if only for the visual spectacle it would produce.

But more needs to be done. John Della Bosca must be put to work on a pedal power generator. Belinda Neal should be harnessed for liquefied natural gas. And Rudd himself must put more effort into exploring his own electorate for oil deposits. Today Saudi Arabia, tomorrow the federal seat of Griffith…

Finally, the Australian people expect the Rudd Government to ensure water security for the downstream states of the Mekong river basin, simplify the Central African Republic’s tax code, make Hungarian football competitive again and get Iron Chef back on SBS on Saturday nights. Strictly speaking, none of these things was promised at the last election. But that’s no excuse.”

 

 

Aaron Timms can’t understand why Kevin Rudd hasn’t saved the entire world and solved all of its problems yet.