The Art of the Australian Insult


Gay men: the new master race
October 26, 2008, 9:53 pm
Filed under: Lifestyles, Sex | Tags:

“We will soon be living in a world where gay men are the master race.

Already their physiology is clearly superior. They can withstand extreme cold wearing only hotpants and a pair of roller skates; they can run 30km on a treadmill while drinking a mojito; they can stay up dancing for three days at a time and then organise a nice little brunch that gets everybody talking.

By comparison the straight man is weak.”

Joe Hildebrand.

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Playing chess with a pterodactyl
September 26, 2008, 3:30 am
Filed under: Business, Politicians | Tags: ,

“I know some people have scoffed at this as not being an experience of true hardship. All I will say is that clearly those people have never had to deal with an Eastern Suburbs real estate agent. It’s like playing chess with a pterodactyl.”

Joe Hildebrand on Malcolm Turnbull’s troubled childhood growing up in rented flats in Vaucluse.



Reba breaks Joe
August 18, 2008, 3:37 am
Filed under: Politicians | Tags: ,

“In Reba Meagher I thought I had found the perfect woman: a compassionate and intelligent lady of timeless beauty (she has been 39 for three years now) who can sniff out a free drink like a truffle.

She is also a masterful politician. For example, by living in Coogee instead of her electorate of Cabramatta, she has achieved the perfect balance between representing the interests of working people and no having to touch them.”

Joe Hildebrand, who says his heart was broken because Reba refused his invitation to appear on his online show Red Chair in the Square. This, he said, was punishment for an article reporting the chauffeur incident in the Daily Telegraph. Hildebrand reflected:

“Before I go on I want to make it perfectly reasonable and legitimate for any democratically elected government to tell the media that unless they write only positive stories they will be cut off from all contact and no longer recognized. It has worked well in China for decades.”

 

Hildebrand concludes with this advice for Meagher:

“Remember the life philosophy of your mentor Joseph Pilates: “F… over the Left at all costs and no matter what you’ve done it is always somebody else’s fault.”



Piece of wood interviews tyre iron
July 7, 2008, 5:39 am
Filed under: The Media | Tags: , ,

“A bit like a piece of wood interviewing a tyre iron.”

 

Joe Hildebrand on Deborah Cameron’s interview with Angela Catterns.



Farming with lemons (and raffling the odd chook)

“His legacy left to NSW and its people will be one of largesse, folly, incompetence, ineptitude and inefficiency and will be incontrovertibly recorded as the worst government in NSW history. He should be looking seriously at employment post politics and I strongly suggest he consider fruit growing or becoming an orchardist as he is surrounded by absolute lemons.”

 

David Ingram, letter to Daily Telegraph. One the other hand, while the state indulges in Iemma-bashing, Deborah Cameron did say,

“I am not sure we can blame Morris Iemma for a football result.”

(As quoted by Joe Hildebrand.)

 

In general though, it’s open season on Morris Minor, as Ken Robinson of Newcastle makes clear in a letter to the Telegraph on June 30:

“Morris, actions speak louder than words and, based on your track record, the sooner they kick you out the better we will all be. Your Government is a Disgrace!

You fooled us into belieivng that your mob deserved a second chance. Well, a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and once again the NSW ALP has proven to us all that you guys couldn’t even run a chook raffle if you tried. The sooner we vote you out the better.”

 

Mark, writing in the same edition, takes a more fatalist view:

“It isn’t hard to see that who ever is running this state is an idiot, but mark my wors he will win the next election because the same idiots that supported these idiots last time will do the same again.”

 

But is there any serious alternative? Robert doesn’t think so:

“Thanks for letting the public know what they were aware of for years Barry. You are an absolute expert in the bleeding obvious, now how about actually moving your party forward from behind the bench and introducing the shadow cabinet to the public?…Is there a point to the Opposition apart from colecting public monies for your salaries? Talk is cheap.”